Writing Your Story: Moving through a divorce and where I am now
I knew the day would come when I would write about my divorce. At times it seems an impossible topic to discuss - but I want to share my journey with the hopes of touching at least one soul through my words. This blog post is in no way to bash the other human, and will strictly be me sharing the myriad of emotions and feelings I experienced throughout.
On June 20th it will be one year since I decided to walk away from a collective of an 8 year relationship. There was one defining moment for me last summer when I just KNEW, and after years of painfully battling myself and my reasons for doing so, I looked at the gingerbread house one last time and walked away with a single suitcase of clothes and Kali, leaving behind EVERYTHING I knew, including my very first dog Coda.
The first week I was fine. I believe I was in shock and on an adrenaline high, quite incredulous that I actually DID IT. I wasn't proud of it, but I was proud of the bravery it had required. The weeks following I fell into the deepest bout of depression and anxiety I've ever experienced. I contemplated if life was worth living. The one thing that kept me going was my handful of unwavering friends who came to feed me and make sure I was getting out of bed, the endless hours of phone calls and middle of the night pep talks with my family, the positive affirmations I taped onto my mirror and read aloud every day, and my sweet, sweet, gentle soul Kali.
Once I made it through that first 8 weeks, (THE TRENCHES), I started seeing a therapist who was affirming, empowering and gave me tangible solutions to start moving forward. This was one of the best choices I ever made and I learned so much during the 6 months I spent in her office.
Over the course of the past year I've experienced almost every emotion under the sun.
Relief and freedom - to be myself, find myself and reclaim who Morgan IS and wants to become.
Guilt and Shame - for hurting someone that had been a huge part of my story, and ultimately making a choice that went against every belief system I was raised to honor while I grew up.
Anger and resentment - for the hurt I experienced from this person and everything that it entailed.
Regret - for leaving a 'comfortable and secure' lifestyle.
Annoyance - at myself for feeling half of the above.
Happiness - for all the good things that have poured into my life since following my gut.
Anxiety and Fear - for the unknown, the future, opening my heart again.
Love - CONQUERS ALL.
So here I sit, almost 365 days out from completely flipping my life upside down. For those of you thinking about it - THINK LONG AND HARD. Confide in trusted and close friends. Divorce is a treacherous path and one I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. It gets a lot worse before it slowly starts to get better.
For those in the middle of it - IT GETS BETTER. I promise you. Take it one day at a time, one second at a time if you must. But keep putting one foot in front of the other and find small things in every day that bring you JOY.
For those of you through it - I COMMEND YOU. You are warriors. I look forward to the day when the wounds from my shattered heart are faded into scars and a story I can look back on in remembrance and say - YOU MADE IT.